Bloody winging.

I had a strange night last night. I got drunk with my friends which was pleasant. 

-Ive just had difficulty accepting the grammar of what i wrote and deleted because im apprehensive about what i want to write. Here goes…-

It was a splendid night really. All were merry and bright with love and warmth and cider. Most of the night i sat next to Jenny (ex girlfriend) and we talked like grownups, as we both are. Then we kind of got into it. It wasn’t so much me, i think. I was just answering her questions whilst trying to encourage her. I was being nice because she is my friend.

“Why don’t we talk anymore?”. What a silly question. I know the answer; i’ve got nothing to say. It’s a two way street, sister. You never asked. I never wanted to know, either.

Im getting pissed off now. Jenny has a pretty strong relationship, a well paid job and doesn’t live with her parents. Although the last one is getting scrapped for about six months while she saves up to buy property! FUCKING GOOD FOR HER!

But last night thats not what i was saying to her. I still have a soft spot for her which pisses me off but i can’t help it. She was talking about how she just isn’t happy with what she has. I was trying to make her see how good she has it but then gave in and asked her what was wrong. I now know about her relationship, her sex life, how much she hates jealousy now. Thing’s i don’t fucking want to know! But she feels better now that she gets to tell me like a grownup. We’re totally great friends aren’t we? Fuck off.

Last night i was pissed and growing smitten. For a person i know i should never be with. It’s partly to do with the fact that im getting extremely horny of late. It’s a problem.

Jenny could talk to anyone about her shitty relationships and how she’s a bell-end and would feel fine the next day. But she’d feel even more elated if she told her ex and then realised how much better she’s doing than me. Then she can say “Oh, hey you’re doing fine. You know what you want to do now, you have a goal.” So she can feel like a good person too.

How is it that Im stuck in a shitty place in my life, yet im making someone who’s doing pretty well feel better. Im helping her. Im making her feel more secure about herself when i absolutely shouldn’t have to and she shouldn’t expect me to. She’d think that i should because im her friend. She’s my friend too but i don’t want to talk to her about shit like that. 

But we did. For a hefty portion of the night. And it felt lovely to talk to her. There was an attraction between both of us i know it. But as soon as her girlfriend (that’s right) picked her up, im sure she completely forgot it. And i was left singing songs in a room on my own because i was happy. It’s awful.

I’ve been hungover all day and i’ve reached many conclusions about the whole thing. The main one being that i need to get my end wet pretty soon.

But today is a new day which will grow old by tomorrow. I must spend these days creating something better for myself. That’s the plan. (Enigmatic and positive closing statement.)