Bloody winging.

I had a strange night last night. I got drunk with my friends which was pleasant. 

-Ive just had difficulty accepting the grammar of what i wrote and deleted because im apprehensive about what i want to write. Here goes…-

It was a splendid night really. All were merry and bright with love and warmth and cider. Most of the night i sat next to Jenny (ex girlfriend) and we talked like grownups, as we both are. Then we kind of got into it. It wasn’t so much me, i think. I was just answering her questions whilst trying to encourage her. I was being nice because she is my friend.

“Why don’t we talk anymore?”. What a silly question. I know the answer; i’ve got nothing to say. It’s a two way street, sister. You never asked. I never wanted to know, either.

Im getting pissed off now. Jenny has a pretty strong relationship, a well paid job and doesn’t live with her parents. Although the last one is getting scrapped for about six months while she saves up to buy property! FUCKING GOOD FOR HER!

But last night thats not what i was saying to her. I still have a soft spot for her which pisses me off but i can’t help it. She was talking about how she just isn’t happy with what she has. I was trying to make her see how good she has it but then gave in and asked her what was wrong. I now know about her relationship, her sex life, how much she hates jealousy now. Thing’s i don’t fucking want to know! But she feels better now that she gets to tell me like a grownup. We’re totally great friends aren’t we? Fuck off.

Last night i was pissed and growing smitten. For a person i know i should never be with. It’s partly to do with the fact that im getting extremely horny of late. It’s a problem.

Jenny could talk to anyone about her shitty relationships and how she’s a bell-end and would feel fine the next day. But she’d feel even more elated if she told her ex and then realised how much better she’s doing than me. Then she can say “Oh, hey you’re doing fine. You know what you want to do now, you have a goal.” So she can feel like a good person too.

How is it that Im stuck in a shitty place in my life, yet im making someone who’s doing pretty well feel better. Im helping her. Im making her feel more secure about herself when i absolutely shouldn’t have to and she shouldn’t expect me to. She’d think that i should because im her friend. She’s my friend too but i don’t want to talk to her about shit like that. 

But we did. For a hefty portion of the night. And it felt lovely to talk to her. There was an attraction between both of us i know it. But as soon as her girlfriend (that’s right) picked her up, im sure she completely forgot it. And i was left singing songs in a room on my own because i was happy. It’s awful.

I’ve been hungover all day and i’ve reached many conclusions about the whole thing. The main one being that i need to get my end wet pretty soon.

But today is a new day which will grow old by tomorrow. I must spend these days creating something better for myself. That’s the plan. (Enigmatic and positive closing statement.)

Role reversal

Had myself a funny ol' experience this evening. I was indulging in my favorite activities of being a hermit, wondering how i could be somewhat creative tonight. Life struck me in the ears as i was told to pick my mother up and take her to hospital.

When you're told "Daf? you need to pick your mother up, she's had a fall and it's nasty apparently." you instantly know what your name is. Also your mind wanders. I've seen people with gashes and i've seen myself with gashes. I've seen my mother with a bit of a shiner from when she fell over some time ago. But when it was up to me to conjure up an image of what it would look like, It either looked really nasty or really stupid.

I rushed to pick her up and after parking awfully I got into the house and had a look to asses the situation.

"What do you reckon? Do i really need to go? Your father is a little all over the place."


"Yes im taking you to hospital." The words were calmly spoken before i even thought about how it looked. It looked real. And nasty. My mam with a nice chunk of skin hanging off her face. There was blood on the floor, leaving a trail to the washing machine so she could wash her new jumper so she could wear it tomorrow. Bonkers.

The conversation in the car was spoken with a general tone, even making jokes hear and there. "Fair play, you're the only one who doesn't panic" she said in the most matter of fact voice she has. She was comparing me to my brother and sister, who are both very good, although i remember when i badly injured my leg my sister drove me to hospital and nearly crashed the car. I told her about that to make her laugh, and she did. I must follow her in reaction to emergencies because she was as composed as a symphony.

When i think about it, the situation has been reversed many times over as I have always been silly/clumsy/daft/brave. And if i remember rightly she was always calm and making me laugh while i was happy and interested in the journey to the hospital. I've always tried to have a good look at the thing i've done to myself.

It's a really weird process; looking after your Mam. Even for something as small as a gash on the face.

She had to go to a different hospital for a specialist procedure or something which meant i had to go home and tell my dad the whole story, then buy him supper to make sure he has a full belly.
She's home now with a bunch of stitches near her eye. The doctors have done a great job i must say. She looks really cool! (She's requested that i don't post pictures and i don't blame her.)

Tonight's been a weird night.